You’ve probably heard about most of the big ticket items like the public option and the insurance marketplace, but here are ten things you probably didn’t know were in the health bill.

1. Any medical instruments accidentally left inside your body cavity during surgery are yours to keep.

2. The several hundred people Steve Jobs cut ahead of on the liver transplant waiting list will all get a free Nano.

3. You still have to turn your head, but as a cost-cutting measure, a guy in Bangalore who calls himself Larry will handle the cough.

4. Regardless of my friend Mordy’s heartfelt steam room proclamations to the contrary, scrotum size is not the new penis size.

5. The release of two pieces of classified data: The prostate digital exam doesn’t actually test for anything. And that guy with the white coat is not really a doctor.

6. Barring any last minute ammendments, Rifka Bergenbaum’s daughter will finally marry a nice doctor.

7. You know that front desk person who puts you on hold even when there’s no one else on the line or in the office, lies about being out of vaccines, and when you called reporting chest pain told you that the next available appointment was in three months? She’s going to appear in front of a Congressional panel where she’ll finally admit she wants you dead.

8. Inspired by Elin Nordegren, all Emergency Medical Technicians will now be required to carry a nine iron in their ambulances.

9. Olbermann will name an itchiness he’s had in is ass for two years as the worst person in the world and start a new end of show countdown: “It’s been fourteen days since I was promised some decent cream.”

10. White House crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi admit that, even after several tries, they still can’t get past the receptionist at my doctor’s office.

Here’s what I think may have actually happened.

Elin Nordegren has historically been embarrassed at her lack of golf skills, routinely coming up with excuses why she won’t be available to play a round with some other PGA spouses.

Tiger urged her to practice. But this practice had to take place beyond the sight of curious onlookers who might out Elin as a non-golfer. Last week, during one of her many middle of the night sessions, Nordegren accidentally let a club sail from her hands. The club flew over the roof of the couple’s Florida mansion and smashed the back window of their SUV.

Nervous about the potential of the neighbors going on Larry King Live and letting the whole world know his wife can’t hit a decent drive to save her life, Tiger rushes to the garage, starts the vehicle, and after a brief strategic conversation with caddy Steve Williams, smashes the shit out of the car by slicing it into a tree and playing a perfect bunker shot into a fire hydrant.

All was going fine until people started getting suspicious. The rumors of domestic violence were just a little too close to the reality of Elin’s poor athleticism.

Tiger made attempts at the tried and true distraction methods such as cryptic website posts and avoiding the cops, but it seemed hopeless. Soon every PGA wife on the tour would know that Tiger’s wife had no skills.

So, in a last ditch effort to save the reputation of his wife, Tiger put on his green jacket and started fucking a bunch of people. And so far, it seems to be working.

Sorry US Magazine and TMZ, you’ve been played by the master.

Thanks to his entire preschool’s enthusiastic focus on superheroes, my three year-old son’s current obsession is the song, Iron Man. So I decided to show him the song being performed live on a YouTube video. We watched the performance, him with a grin on his face and me with a look of concern on mine.

After about two minutes of Ozzy being Ozzy, he suddenly decides he’s had enough of the video. And this is a sensation he never has when it comes to just about any video content. He can be watching a teeth whitening infomercial and burst into tears when he hears it’s time for bed.

But this time he said stop. He said he’d rather listen to that song about the guy who lives in the pear (that’s Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer to you and me).

I smelled victory. No more Ozzy.

The next morning over french toast, my son looks up and asks if we can listen to Iron Man. So I say, “But I thought we decided that song was sort of terrible?”

And he says, “No Dadda, we decided the song was really good. It’s just that guy who is terrible.”

Oh, oh, we were halfway there…

Thankfully, since last weekend, the only thing he wants to listen to is Tom Morello and the Boss doing Ghost of Tom Joad at MSG.

This is really impressive stuff. You can just tell from the lead-in.

Doesn’t it seem weird that there even is a real Maurice Sendak? I was listening to some outtakes of appearances he’s made on Fresh Air, and the whole time I just kept thinking, “Come on. You’re actually that Maurice Sendak?”

Think about it.

You’re Maurice Sendak. You’re at a dinner party (anywhere, really). Someone you’ve never met tries to strike up a conversation.

Them: So what do you do?

You: Oh, me? I write children’s books.

Them: Really? Anything I might have heard of?