An Sick Egomaniacal Monster Shares His Own Best Tweets of 2011
This is sad, I know, but I wanted a way to organize a year’s worth of tweets and I also wanted my family to have some idea of how the Internet took over my life and gradually destroyed me.
This all takes a few seconds to load. Twitter never expected anyone to load 68 tweets on a page. Some work just wasn’t meant to load via Javascript: Shakespeare, This.
Anyway, hopefully they’ve loaded by now. By the way, they are about 150 pixels below this spot in most browsers, but I guarantee it’s worth the distance.
Happy New Year.
People only consider paying for online content when doing so is as easy as not paying. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 3, 2011
This is exactly what I was afraid of…My wife just put up a paywall in our bedroom. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 18, 2011
Man am I lonely tonight.I just had a fourteen minute conversation with Skype Test Call. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 19, 2011
Whenever Chrome asks me if I’m sure I want to open 78 tabs, I always worry that it’s my family doing an intervention. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 28, 2011
I’m tired of twitter becoming a popularity contest.I’m totally cool with you fucking losers who only have a few followers. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 28, 2011
My contractor just asked: “What’s a Kindle?”Makes me feel better about drawing a blank when he asked me to hand him a wrench. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 16, 2011
Whenever Chrome asks me if I’m sure I want to open 114 tabs, I always feel it’s about a decade and half late for that question. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 21, 2011
That facial hair is probably a pretty good indicator that your kid is too old to be pushed around in a stroller. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 22, 2011
Sometimes, in an effort to prolong my sexual endurance, I’ll close my eyes and imagine myself using Windows. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 25, 2011
This is getting ridiculous. I just dropped my trousers and my wife told me I’d need a Groupon to get any farther. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 26, 2011
Now we’ve learned that Microsoft tracks the locations of Windows phone users.Hint: All fourteen of them are in Redmond. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 26, 2011
Retweets are the new laughter. — Dave Pell (@davepell) April 28, 2011
Fuck people who think Leno is funny. — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 3, 2011
If you read something and then race to be the first commenter to mention a typo, here’s a bulletin:The whole world hates you. — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 4, 2011
I unfollowed someone in real life. — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 5, 2011
When you retweet other people’s complimentary tweets about you, I think to myself: “Yeah man, that’s cool.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 5, 2011
When driving I’ll look up from my phone and see another driver on their phone and I’ll be like, “Get off your phone you idiot.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 7, 2011
The rapture just pivoted. It’s now a mobile, social, deals, photosharing startup with a valuation just north of $100 million. — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 20, 2011
I miss the good old days when liquidation preference was a blender setting. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 13, 2011
For once I’d like to see an honest political slogan:”I want to reform medicare, create jobs and whip it out.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 17, 2011
Favoriting a tweet is like fantasizing about someone. Retweeting is more like actually getting it on. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 17, 2011
My wife and I have been married for thirteen years.But we still get it on like it’s only been twelve and a half years. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 20, 2011
I hate it when people say I only use twitter for self-promotion. I also use it for self-aggrandizement and ego searching. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 21, 2011
I came up with a better genre name for Classic Rock:Rock. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 21, 2011
I don’t allow comments in real life. So why would I allow them on my blog? — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 22, 2011
Whitey Bulger is 88. The FBI probably followed a trail of metamucil. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 23, 2011
My 5 year-old son:”Dad, what’s the difference between my room and my goddamn room?” — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 26, 2011
I just had a great experience with United Airlines customer service.(Not really. I just wanted to have a truly unique tweet.) — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 27, 2011
The Internet’s Historical Arc:1. Porn2. Browse3. Porn4. Search5. Porn6. Realtime7. Porn8. Social9. Porn10. Porn — Dave Pell (@davepell) July 6, 2011
Klout has no idea how hot my wife is. — Dave Pell (@davepell) July 12, 2011
Here’s what I want on my tombstone:”Please take me off of your email distribution list.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) July 18, 2011
The closest I’ve come to joining the mile high club is jerking off in Denver. — Dave Pell (@davepell) August 3, 2011
I spend about 6 hours a day masturbating in my window in the hopes that one of the Google street cameras will drive by. — Dave Pell (@davepell) August 4, 2011
Seeing Wheel of Fortune players unnecessarily buy vowels gave my dad the confidence to know he’d make millions in this country. — Dave Pell (@davepell) August 5, 2011
When they heard about Michael Vick’s $100 million deal, my cats couldn’t stop laughing. — Dave Pell (@davepell) August 30, 2011
Vendor at Giants game:”Anyone of you hiring so I don’t have to do this anymore?” — Dave Pell (@davepell) August 31, 2011
They just announced the lineup for “Dancing with Someone Whose Name Sounds Somewhat Familiar.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) August 30, 2011
If you have kids. And you have a pair of Angry Birds pajama bottoms. It’s better if there isn’t a green pig near your balls. — Dave Pell (@davepell) September 11, 2011
Reed Hastings: “I messed up. I owe you an explanation.”Me: “I bought Netflix at 7 bucks a share. I owe you a car.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) September 19, 2011
My son’s teacher says he has leadership qualities. That’s good news. Now I don’t have to worry about him becoming a politician. — Dave Pell (@davepell) September 28, 2011
My wife asked me to take out the garbage. So I had to explain to her that I’m a platform, not a service. — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 3, 2011
If you’re a fish, almost every religious story ends horribly. — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 11, 2011
Time again for the Republican Debate Drinking Game.Here’s how you play: drink — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 12, 2011
I walked into an elevator and a woman’s voice said: “This Elevator Going Up.”And Siri responded: “He’s with me now, bitch.” — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 14, 2011
Actual Ben & Jerry flavors that are dirtier than Schweddy Balls:- Karamel Sutra- Chubby Hubby- Boston Cream Pie — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 21, 2011
My parents survived the Holocaust, and yet they regularly tell me not to be so cynical about people.I need to get offline. — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 25, 2011
I love the smell of open tabs in the morning. — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 27, 2011
JoPa passed it up the chain of command and then dropped the issue.Is that legendary leadership?He’ll be out within a week. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 8, 2011
Flash is dying. Silverlight might be next.One question: My porn’s still gonna load, right? — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 9, 2011
With this economy, my bank went from being too big to fail to being too small to rob. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 11, 2011
Condensed version of the PBS Woody Allen Documentary:Woody: It doesn’t seem that weird to me.Society: Oh it’s fuckin weird. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 21, 2011
There’s the you in real life. There’s you inside the car in traffic. And then there’s you in the middle: the social media you. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 22, 2011
Google Maps gave us satellite views, then street views, and now indoor maps.They’re gonna find the G spot before me for sure. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 30, 2011
The two most popular jokes of 2011:1. Ask Siri a question.2. Ask Herman Cain a question. — Dave Pell (@davepell) December 2, 2011
People who watch Two and a Half Men have the same vote as you do. There’s no way the founding fathers could have imagined that. — Dave Pell (@davepell) December 13, 2011
Mel Gibson forced to pay out $425 million and Tebow throws 4 interceptions. It’s beginning to look a lot like Hanukkah. — Dave Pell (@davepell) December 24, 2011
I’ve just launched a new app that adds an incredible social layer to your real life.It’s called: Put Away Your Goddamn Phone — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 25, 2011
The XXX domain has been officially approved.Finally. It’s been damn near impossible for me to locate porn on the internet. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 18, 2011
I might be losing it…I just sent my son to his room for asking me a question that was more than 140 characters. — Dave Pell (@davepell) March 27, 2011
I love when the holiday season approaches and normal people take time off and twitter is returned to just us losers. — Dave Pell (@davepell) December 23, 2011
Overheard:Person 1: Angry Birds? How do you have time for that?Person 2: It’s like Heroin. You make the time. — Dave Pell (@davepell) May 6, 2011
Listen. Unless someone goes to jail for hitting reply all, this is never gonna stop. We’ve got to make an example of someone. — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 18, 2011
In Japanese Siri means buttocks.Oh well. I’ve been talking out of my ass for years. Might as well talk into it too. — Dave Pell (@davepell) October 5, 2011
More and more, Facebook feels like an address book for acquaintances who didn’t make it into my real address book. — Dave Pell (@davepell) June 22, 2011
Parenting Tip:Ask your kids who they love more, you or the iPad.If they answer at all, you’re still good. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 26, 2011
I wonder if journalism schools now have courses in the making of slideshow formatted top ten lists. — Dave Pell (@davepell) November 22, 2011
Constantly leaving phones and other devices on won’t interfere with airplanes.It just sort of fucks up the rest of your life.
— Dave Pell (@davepell) December 26, 2011
Clearly the top tweet exchange of 2011.twitter.com/#!/mia_farrow/… — Dave Pell (@davepell) December 23, 2011
