Charlie Sheen recently signed a deal that will keep him employed as the leading actor on the show Two and Half Men. He’ll make about $2 million per episode. Here are the deal’s winners and losers.

WINNERS

Sheen

John Cryer

Hookers

Coke Dealers

Liquor Stores

Defense Attorneys

Pimps

Divorce Lawyers

Ex-Wives

The Contractors Working on Jon Cryer’s House

Hookers Turned Extortionists

Crisis Management Firms Hired by CBS

Prenup Writers

People Who Insist America is on the Decline

Investors Who Shorted CBS and Time Warner

Judges on the Take

Guys who get drunk and insist they’re as funny as those idiots on TV

LOSERS

Viewers

People who, at a recent dinner party, argued that this is the golden age of television

Anyone who has appeared on, written for or been associated with any show that’s shared a medium with Two and Half Men

Lawyers who bet they could proofread an entire contract without cracking up

Parents whose six year-old says to them, “Wait, I don’t get why this is funny.”

People who loved Jon Cryer as Duckie in Pretty in Pink and inadvertantly wondered what he’s up to these days

Really funny comedians who never got their pilots picked up

People who already hated Mondays

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