. . . Monday March 8, 2010

The Year in Movies, Reduced to a Status Update

We all supposedly have a much shorter attention span in the age of the realtime web, but that didn’t stop Oscar from keeping with tradition and breaking the three and half hour mark. For those true addicts who couldn’t last the duration, I’ve reduced the key movies from last night’s Oscars to a moment or idea that’s about the length of your average Facebook status update.

The Blind Side

I came across a minority kid who was uneducated, down on his luck and weighed about 370. Then I had a really unique and crazy idea: What about football?

The Hurt Locker

I risked my life for this country more than 800 times. Then I come home and, what, no Fruity Pebbles?

A Serious Man

To learn what it’s really like to be Jewish, you can spend a few weeks analyzing the talmudic references in this movie, or you can just visit oldjewstellingjokes.com for about 5 minutes.

District 9

Wouldn’t it have been cool if we merged movies and the main guy from District 9 was the fourth friend who was missing for much of The Hangover? (An aside: Was I the only one who left the theater thinking, “Man, that little alien child behaves a lot better than my kids…”)

Inglourious Basterds

How much more popular would history class be if all history were written by a husky kung fu movie addict hopped up on cocaine and ho hos?

Precious

Moving, painful and gut wrenching. Bottom line, if you can get through this whole movie without looking away, you’re (probably) ready to watch the Barbara Walters interview with Monique.

Crazy Heart

During Bridges’ speech I wondered whether – after all this time since the Big Lebowski started filming – maybe one of the Coen brothers should finally yell “cut.”

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Reminder: I am doing almost all of my writing over at Tweetage Wasteland, Confessions of an Internet Superhero.


Concentration is important!