. . . Wednesday December 2, 2009

Tiger Woods: My Alternate Theory

Here’s what I think may have actually happened.

Elin Nordegren has historically been embarrassed at her lack of golf skills, routinely coming up with excuses why she won’t be available to play a round with some other PGA spouses.

Tiger urged her to practice. But this practice had to take place beyond the sight of curious onlookers who might out Elin as a non-golfer. Last week, during one of her many middle of the night sessions, Nordegren accidentally let a club sail from her hands. The club flew over the roof of the couple’s Florida mansion and smashed the back window of their SUV.

Nervous about the potential of the neighbors going on Larry King Live and letting the whole world know his wife can’t hit a decent drive to save her life, Tiger rushes to the garage, starts the vehicle, and after a brief strategic conversation with caddy Steve Williams, smashes the shit out of the car by slicing it into a tree and playing a perfect bunker shot into a fire hydrant.

All was going fine until people started getting suspicious. The rumors of domestic violence were just a little too close to the reality of Elin’s poor athleticism.

Tiger made attempts at the tried and true distraction methods such as cryptic website posts and avoiding the cops, but it seemed hopeless. Soon every PGA wife on the tour would know that Tiger’s wife had no skills.

So, in a last ditch effort to save the reputation of his wife, Tiger put on his green jacket and started fucking a bunch of people. And so far, it seems to be working.

Sorry US Magazine and TMZ, you’ve been played by the master.

Concentration is important!