. . . Thursday December 3, 2009

10 Things You Didn’t Know Were in the Health Bill (and aren’t)

You’ve probably heard about most of the big ticket items like the public option and the insurance marketplace, but here are ten things you probably didn’t know were in the health bill.

1. Any medical instruments accidentally left inside your body cavity during surgery are yours to keep.

2. The several hundred people Steve Jobs cut ahead of on the liver transplant waiting list will all get a free Nano.

3. You still have to turn your head, but as a cost-cutting measure, a guy in Bangalore who calls himself Larry will handle the cough.

4. Regardless of my friend Mordy’s heartfelt steam room proclamations to the contrary, scrotum size is not the new penis size.

5. The release of two pieces of classified data: The prostate digital exam doesn’t actually test for anything. And that guy with the white coat is not really a doctor.

6. Barring any last minute ammendments, Rifka Bergenbaum’s daughter will finally marry a nice doctor.

7. You know that front desk person who puts you on hold even when there’s no one else on the line or in the office, lies about being out of vaccines, and when you called reporting chest pain told you that the next available appointment was in three months? She’s going to appear in front of a Congressional panel where she’ll finally admit she wants you dead.

8. Inspired by Elin Nordegren, all Emergency Medical Technicians will now be required to carry a nine iron in their ambulances.

9. Olbermann will name an itchiness he’s had in is ass for two years as the worst person in the world and start a new end of show countdown: “It’s been fourteen days since I was promised some decent cream.”

10. White House crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi admit that, even after several tries, they still can’t get past the receptionist at my doctor’s office.

Concentration is important!