Save all the emails and calls telling me all the good things about the web and social networks. I am a social network user and abuser. I build sites. I am wildly familiar with all the great things about the web – so familiar in fact, that it’s probably safe to say this goddamn Tweetage Wasteland has ruined my life. Am I guilty any of the items listed below? Sure, I’m fucked. So are you. We all are. Here are 25 of the infinite number of reasons why…
- No Anecdotal Evidence: This is going to come as shock to many, but having thumbs and being somewhere is not an anecdote.
- Oversharing is Not Caring. If Obama wins the Nobel Prize and you don’t tweet or Facebook it, did it really happen? I’ve got bad news. The answer is yes. And your tweet was not informative, provided no insight and wasn’t funny. But you need to regurgitate everything that goes into your head because you can’t stop yourself. Translation: You’re fucked.
- No Party Favors: You’re having a great time at the party? Well I didn’t get invited to the goddamn party and now I know about it and I know you’re having fun.
Solution: Shut the fuck up.
- Kid Pro Quo: You tweet about experiences you’re having with your kids. Here’s a tip. Put down the iPhone, turn off the Blackberry and actually have the experience. I don’t want to hear about it and they do want your full attention. Again, I’m not pointing fingers here. The other night my daughter kissed my laptop goodnight.
- Shaq Track: Five years ago, did you think to yourself: “Man, I really get a kick out a celebrities, football players and pornstars, I just wish I could somehow keep track of their daily thoughts and activities.”
- Mile Why Club: Now when a flight delay sucks for you, it can suck for me too. I’m not sure of the right reason to tweet or share on Facebook. But I know being bored and too psychologically diminished to spend a couple hours alone with your thoughts is not it. And inflight WiFi? That’s the new mile high club. You’re flying and you’re fucked.
- Reality Bytes: Ever wonder where all your online time is coming from? Due to the rise of social networks, people are spending much less time with the people in their own households. Reality TV at least requires the family to gather in the same room for a shared experience. If your current behavior is worse for your family than reality television, I don’t even need to explain how fucked you are.
- Running at the Mouth: Did you just get back from a great run or a long bike ride and then feel the need to tell us that? My immediate reaction is: Fuck no, I don’t care. If you are sharing these details while you’re still on the run or ride, then stop. Sit down. Stay there. Forever.
- Sad Libs: Every time you come up with an exciting pun or think you have a unique take, you’re just a realtime search away from realizing that you are the eleven-millionth person with the same neat idea. In the real world, you worried you might be boring. In cyberspace, you know it for sure.
- There’s No I in Me: Still not sure you’re fucked? Then feast your eyes on the Samsung DualView camera. The ultimate representation of this era, the DualView is a camera with an LCD screen in the front to make it easier for you to take pictures of (drumroll please) yourself. Every self-portrait taken with this camera should be watermarked with the words, “Smile. You’re fucked.”
- Make Up For It In Volume: I don’t need to know which fucking song you’re listening too. That’s why the little speakers in your headphones point towards your head, not mine.
- TMI: We’ve lost track of the basic hierarchy of where and when information wants to spread. Here is as a quick refresher. First, there’s the stuff that you just think of randomly in the solitude of your own mind. Second, there’s stuff that rises to the level of being worthy to mumble to yourself. Third, you have the stuff that is so amazingly interesting that it’s worth sharing with the bored Two and a Half Men fan in the next cube. Fourth, there’s the stuff that is actually worth writing down. Guess what’s not on the list? Your fucking Farmville pets.
- Carmen Sandiego Complex: I’m glad you like your GPS, but I don’t give a fuck where you are right now. What am I, roadside assistance? You’re there, you’re alone. Deal with it.
- Fucked Company: You have a Facebook account. Sarah Palin has a Facebook account. How’s that fucking feel?
- Digital Memories: You don’t have time to develop any actual memories of an experience before those memories are replaced by a memory of a photo or video of that experience. And let’s be honest, you don’t look nearly as cool in the photo as you did in your mind.
- Inboxing Match: Listen closely now. No one (and I mean no one) cares about the state of your fucking inbox.
- Finding Me on Facebook: Look, we didn’t exactly “lose touch.” I changed my name, left town, walked with fake limp and got a face transplant.
- Phoney Baloney: Quick update on business etiquette: When we are meeting, look up from that smart phone or I will stick a fucking knife in your head.
- Clouded Judgment: There are two kinds of people who give regular updates about the weather. Meteorologists and fuckheads.
- Diss-intermediate: Instead of being direct, you vent your loosely veiled personal (and even professional) attacks on the web. Here’s the bad news. The person on the receiving end of the attack also has a computer. And guess which one of you looks like a pussy?
- Dork Worship: We’ve made internet stars out of people who most likely would’ve been friendless dorks in a non-connected world. Here’s the trouble. Stars get laid. They procreate. Generation X and Y, get ready to meet Generation WTF.
- Bad Nostalgia: Remember the good old days when blogs were as irritating as it got?
- Screenshots: I recently forgot to bring my iPhone to the Oakland Coliseum where I sat in the 8th row for a Beyonce show. Instead of watching the whole concert through a tiny screen, I experienced the event. Weird, right? And believe me, I got plenty of mileage out of the mental visuals.
- Nip Schmuck: None of us can read or think anymore. The most detailed story you’ve read in years was made up of a few status updates on the saga of Balloon Boy. Admit it. Sometimes you’re reading a tweet and, though it’s of some interest, you stop halfway because, well, (like this sentence) it just seems a little wordy.
- Demi-gogues: Need more proof you, me and our entire generation are completely fucked?
Two words: Ashton Kutcher.
UPDATE: This list has morphed into an entire blog all it’s own. Check out:
Tweetage Wasteland: Confessions of an Internet Superhero
Go ahead. Tweet this and admit you’re fucked. It’s liberating.
And yes, I desperately want you to tweet about this blog post and to follow me. I’m fucked.