. . . Tuesday January 22, 2008

Win the White House: Solve the Strike

The Oscar nominations are out and the awards ceremony is just weeks away. The big question is whether or not the writer’s strike will be settled by then and, if not, will the strike transform the show into a glorified press conference.

This is the perfect time for one of the candidates in the presidential race to get involved in the strike. You can talk all you want about war and peace, the economy, our foreign policy, taxes, and illegal immigration, but if you really want to hit Americans with something they can feel in their gut, give them back new episodes of CSI and Hannah Montana. (Aside from this blog) Television is the one unifying force in American life.

In the average American household, the TV is on for a cool 8 hours and 14 minutes per day. You could offer American families breakfast in bed (including hash browns) for the duration of your term in office and not get the kind of positive bounce as you would if you let us watch something in primetime other than Real Housewives of Orange County, dance offs and, well, you on the cable news channels. Getting the Oscars back in all their glory is just an added bonus.

Kucinich, are you listening? Rudy, forget Florida, think Family Guy. Edwards, the two Americas you need to be thinking about are the one that watches a insane amount of TV and the one that watches an unthinkable amount of TV. Thompson, you are perfectly positioned and if it all flops, you don’t even need to travel to get back into your real job. McCain, don’t tell me you don’t watch Prison Break. Hillary, want the tears to have an impact? Save them for a fresh episode of Grays Anatomy.

And this a no lose situation. If you act as a intermediary in the strike and the strike goes on, already frustrated Americans will blame Hollywood, not the politician in shining armor. And if the strike is settled under the watch of one of the candidates, it is a guaranteed win in November.

The only other way to guarantee such a victory would be to give a speech in which you admit that the only reason you keep endlessly repeating the word Change is because you think we’re all a bunch of fucking idiots.

Seems like solving the strike is more likely.

Concentration is important!