. . . Thursday January 17, 2008

The Jews vs Tom Cruise

After watching the oddly disturbing Tom Cruise Scientology Indoctrination video, I realized it might be useful to contrast the way Cruise sells Scientology with the way Judaism is positioned.

So here goes. Below you’ll find Cruise quotes from the Scientology video with my counterpoints from a Jewish perspective:

TC: When you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one who can really help.

Dave: When you’re a Jew, and you drive by an accident, you know you actually can do something because you’re a fucking doctor. (If the car in the accident is a Mercedes, BMW or Volkswagen, you can just keep on driving.)

TC: We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures.

Dave: And Vhat’s so Vonderful about happiness? You never call your bubbie, your Uncle Asher’s boil is so infected he may lose the toe, your namesake David was beaten by the goy three times a week, and you should be happy?

TC: And I’ve got to tell you [Scientology is] rough and tumble. And it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. It really is fun.

Dave: You feel guilty most of the time. You go to Hebrew school while the other kids are playing flag football and finger-fucking. You eat Chinese food on Christmas. Your relatives say words like Bubkes. Most people blame you for all the world’s problems. Madonna recently became a spokesperson for your religion. You suck at basketball. Heck yeah, it’s a blast.

TC: Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and you know absolutely you can help them.

Dave: Being a Jew, you look at someone, and you can be pretty damn sure they’re an antisemite (and yet you’ll be the one who feels guilty).

TC: Am I gonna look at that guy or am I too afraid because I have my own out-ethics … I won’t hesitate to put ethics in on someone else because I put it in ruthlessly on myself. I respect that in others.

Dave: You can never, ever be carrying too much Purell.

TC: You’re either on-board or you’re not on-board. OK? If you’re on-board then you’re on-board just like the rest of us. Period. We are the authorities on getting people off of drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions … We can rehabilitate criminals. We can bring peace and unite cultures.

Dave: You can worry about saving the world just as soon as I’m sure that your Haftorah portion won’t humiliate your grandparents.

TC: So they said, have you met an SP (note: this is a so-called Suppressive Person who criticizes Scientology)? [Cruise laughs hysterically] … It’s not how to run from an SP … It’s how to confront and shatter suppression. You apply it and it’s like boom. Because they don’t come up to me and do that. They don’t do that. Not to my face … where they think they can be confronted.

Dave: If you want to get a deal on a car, you’ve got to be willing to walk off the lot. The dealer might look you in you in the eye and tell you he can’t go one dollar lower. Start walking. He’ll go lower.

TC: I wish the world were a different place where I could just go on vacation and romp and play, you know what I mean?

Dave: They gave us a choice. You want your own country or you want the Catskills?

TC: I don’t care if someone thinks it’s hard or easy. You’re either helping and contributing everything you can or you’re not. OK? Because I’m carrying my load … You can see the look in their eyes. You know the ones who are doing it and you know the spectators … That thing, I’ve canceled it in my area. [Cruise laughs oddly]. Man, you’re either in or you’re out. That’s spectatorism and we have no time for it now … Get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena.

Dave: I just paid ten bucks to see Mission Impossible 3 and you want me out of the arena?

TC: I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it’s something you have to earn. Because [a Scientologist] has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions.

Dave: No, we’re not going to have a Christmas tree. No you’re not gonna get any presents on Christmas morning. No you can’t hang a sock from the mantle. Carols? Hell no. Think that’s rough? Hate being stuck in the minority religion? I’ve got one word for you kid:


Concentration is important!