. . . Friday January 11, 2008

Purple Sex: Everyone’s Doing It

Super pollster Frank Luntz has served up a “Politics of Sex” survey for Playboy Magazine. While nothing can evacuate hemoglobin from a centerfold-inspired stiffy as fast as knowing that Luntz’s work is just a few page flips away, it is interesting to note that after all the hype and blather, Republicans and Democrats have fairly similar sex lives.

Before we get into the numbers, I should mention my own bias on this matter. I just simply will never, ever believe that a Republican can fuck as good as me. I possess the perfect set of characteristics for the task: I’m Jewish (at least three chicks fainted when I performed an improvised riff during my haftorah portion), I am neurotic and guilty enough to be preoccupied with pleasing others, I can palm a medicine ball, and my circumcision was performed by a guy who formerly did the marble work for the Washington Monument.

That said, here’s what Luntz found out via a series of surveys and, one assumes, a pretty extensive thought experiment.

More people under 40 have sex at least once a week than vote for president once every four years. Turns out folks prefer boning to “change.”

25 percent of all Republicans and 35 percent of all Democrats have had more than 10 sexual partners in their lifetime—a higher percentage than vote in congressional and local elections.

55 percent of Republicans have sex at least once a week, compared with just 43 percent of Democrats. OReilly as an aphrodisiac?

14 percent of Thompson supporters and 12 percent of Obama supporters claim to have sex “almost every day.” 5 percent of Clinton and Giuliani supporters have sex that frequently. Unfortunately, a large majority of Thompson supporters accidentally fucked right through the primaries.

On average, Republicans say they were 18.4 years old when they first had sex. Independents were 17.6 and Democrats 17.5. Translation: There is a 10-11 month window during which Republicans are most vulnerable to Fox News.

58 percent of respondents think Bill Clinton was the sexiest president of the past 40 years; Ronald Reagan is second, with 22 percent. 38 percent say Richard Nixon was the least sexy; Bill Clinton is second, with 18 percent.

23 percent of all Republicans and 24 percent of all Democrats would “definitely” or “probably” say yes to a one-night stand in the Oval Office with a president they found physically and sexually attractive.

51 percent of all Republicans and 67 percent of all Democrats have watched porn with their sexual partners. So, what, the rest of them are watching porn with other people’s partners?

55 percent of people who attend church every week consider themselves to be “sexually adventurous.” Here “adventurous” refers dry humping atop a pile of recent Heritage Foundation policy papers.

Americans of both parties say they are more turned on by intelligence than by physical appearance. Finally, something we really have in common: We lie.

Concentration is important!