In the last 36 hours, I saw the centerpiece of my nest egg go from being an impressive stock portfolio to my decision to take the Giants and points in the Super Bowl.

Although my combination of investing in internet startups, tech stocks and underdog NFL teams likely puts me in the bottom percentile of financial minds, I imagine I am not the only one for whom the economy just became the big issue of this election.

Now when candidates discuss change, I am picturing quarters, dimes and nickels.

The big question is how will our current economic trend (assuming it holds for awhile) will impact the race for the White House.

To me, it looks like bad news for Obama. His dynamic speech-giving, calls for change and new face all count for a lot less as the economy shifts downward. I don’t want a fresh, new change. I just want the money I had 48 hours ago back in my account.

A lot of voters will feel the same. And they may very well recall that their jobs were pretty secure and their investments were doing pretty well when Hillary was First Lady. Another dose of “It’s the economy stupid” just might be enough to push Obama into a permanent second place position.

I could be wrong. I just hope I’m not also wrong about the Giants.

The Oscar nominations are out and the awards ceremony is just weeks away. The big question is whether or not the writer’s strike will be settled by then and, if not, will the strike transform the show into a glorified press conference.

This is the perfect time for one of the candidates in the presidential race to get involved in the strike. You can talk all you want about war and peace, the economy, our foreign policy, taxes, and illegal immigration, but if you really want to hit Americans with something they can feel in their gut, give them back new episodes of CSI and Hannah Montana. (Aside from this blog) Television is the one unifying force in American life.

In the average American household, the TV is on for a cool 8 hours and 14 minutes per day. You could offer American families breakfast in bed (including hash browns) for the duration of your term in office and not get the kind of positive bounce as you would if you let us watch something in primetime other than Real Housewives of Orange County, dance offs and, well, you on the cable news channels. Getting the Oscars back in all their glory is just an added bonus.

Kucinich, are you listening? Rudy, forget Florida, think Family Guy. Edwards, the two Americas you need to be thinking about are the one that watches a insane amount of TV and the one that watches an unthinkable amount of TV. Thompson, you are perfectly positioned and if it all flops, you don’t even need to travel to get back into your real job. McCain, don’t tell me you don’t watch Prison Break. Hillary, want the tears to have an impact? Save them for a fresh episode of Grays Anatomy.

And this a no lose situation. If you act as a intermediary in the strike and the strike goes on, already frustrated Americans will blame Hollywood, not the politician in shining armor. And if the strike is settled under the watch of one of the candidates, it is a guaranteed win in November.

The only other way to guarantee such a victory would be to give a speech in which you admit that the only reason you keep endlessly repeating the word Change is because you think we’re all a bunch of fucking idiots.

Seems like solving the strike is more likely.

The Crunchies were held last Friday night and, aside from seeing Om back on his feet, the highlight of the evening was watching Fake Steve accept an award for the iPhone via video. Apple did not send a representative, so Fake Steve stepped in to handle the task. I especially enjoyed his description of how he responds when folks suggest he’s arrogant.

Video Cheatsheet: You just need to know that the iPhone won an award and that the awards were called the Crunchies and that the hosting blog is written by Michael Arrington. Here it is:

After watching the oddly disturbing Tom Cruise Scientology Indoctrination video, I realized it might be useful to contrast the way Cruise sells Scientology with the way Judaism is positioned.

So here goes. Below you’ll find Cruise quotes from the Scientology video with my counterpoints from a Jewish perspective:

TC: When you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one who can really help.

Dave: When you’re a Jew, and you drive by an accident, you know you actually can do something because you’re a fucking doctor. (If the car in the accident is a Mercedes, BMW or Volkswagen, you can just keep on driving.)

TC: We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures.

Dave: And Vhat’s so Vonderful about happiness? You never call your bubbie, your Uncle Asher’s boil is so infected he may lose the toe, your namesake David was beaten by the goy three times a week, and you should be happy?

TC: And I’ve got to tell you [Scientology is] rough and tumble. And it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. It really is fun.

Dave: You feel guilty most of the time. You go to Hebrew school while the other kids are playing flag football and finger-fucking. You eat Chinese food on Christmas. Your relatives say words like Bubkes. Most people blame you for all the world’s problems. Madonna recently became a spokesperson for your religion. You suck at basketball. Heck yeah, it’s a blast.

TC: Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and you know absolutely you can help them.

Dave: Being a Jew, you look at someone, and you can be pretty damn sure they’re an antisemite (and yet you’ll be the one who feels guilty).

TC: Am I gonna look at that guy or am I too afraid because I have my own out-ethics … I won’t hesitate to put ethics in on someone else because I put it in ruthlessly on myself. I respect that in others.

Dave: You can never, ever be carrying too much Purell.

TC: You’re either on-board or you’re not on-board. OK? If you’re on-board then you’re on-board just like the rest of us. Period. We are the authorities on getting people off of drugs. We are the authorities on the mind. We are the authorities on improving conditions … We can rehabilitate criminals. We can bring peace and unite cultures.

Dave: You can worry about saving the world just as soon as I’m sure that your Haftorah portion won’t humiliate your grandparents.

TC: So they said, have you met an SP (note: this is a so-called Suppressive Person who criticizes Scientology)? [Cruise laughs hysterically] ... It’s not how to run from an SP … It’s how to confront and shatter suppression. You apply it and it’s like boom. Because they don’t come up to me and do that. They don’t do that. Not to my face … where they think they can be confronted.

Dave: If you want to get a deal on a car, you’ve got to be willing to walk off the lot. The dealer might look you in you in the eye and tell you he can’t go one dollar lower. Start walking. He’ll go lower.

TC: I wish the world were a different place where I could just go on vacation and romp and play, you know what I mean?

Dave: They gave us a choice. You want your own country or you want the Catskills?

TC: I don’t care if someone thinks it’s hard or easy. You’re either helping and contributing everything you can or you’re not. OK? Because I’m carrying my load … You can see the look in their eyes. You know the ones who are doing it and you know the spectators … That thing, I’ve canceled it in my area. [Cruise laughs oddly]. Man, you’re either in or you’re out. That’s spectatorism and we have no time for it now … Get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena.

Dave: I just paid ten bucks to see Mission Impossible 3 and you want me out of the arena?

TC: I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it’s something you have to earn. Because [a Scientologist] has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions.

Dave: No, we’re not going to have a Christmas tree. No you’re not gonna get any presents on Christmas morning. No you can’t hang a sock from the mantle. Carols? Hell no. Think that’s rough? Hate being stuck in the minority religion? I’ve got one word for you kid:

Latkas.

The latest show to featured in my Dave’s Drive-in section is the series pilot for the most excellent show Friday Night Lights.

If you haven’t seen FNL or came to the show late, you can head over to the Drive-In and start from the beginning.

This is one the best dramas to hit network TV in years. Dare I say, it’s cable quality programming.

To enjoy the show, you don’t have to be into football (anymore than you had to be into optometry to appreciate Ralph Malph’s father on Happy Days).

The production quality and acting are excellent and the writers manage to depict small town Texas life without creating caricatures. The main family in the show will become an immediate favorite. And regardless of your gender or sexual preference, you will be wholly unable to deny that Tim Riggins is greatest teen hunk to hit the small screen in years. Around my house, we watch the show wearing our new Dillon Panther hats (though we tell some people the P stands for Pell).

Trust me, the show will have you by the opening credits.

Aside from a sore neck, a bad back and keyboard-related fingertip sensitivity, here are the latest five reasons why I think I might be a little too old for blogging.

1. The commercials that air during the nightly news actually speak to me. I do have a restless leg. My wife and I often recline side by side in separate outdoor tubs, watch the sunset and wonder, “Are we ready?”. I eat Flomax like tic tacs. And I haven’t taken a shit without any outside help since the late nineties.
2. The other day I called time. For you youngsters, that means you pick up the handset of your landline phone and dial p-o-p-c-o-r-n (or 767 anything) and an automated female voice gives you the exact time. It turns out that the time lady retired. The service (and with it my longest running conversation) has been shut down (at least in my neck of the woods) since September of 2007. The point here is that I called time in the first place. What’s next? Using a cell phone that doesn’t have jiggling icons?
3. My attire: I have perfected and am now locked in to what I call the faux tourist look. Everyday, I wear khaki pants, a gray t-shirt and a bright yellow windbreaker with the words San Francisco emblazoned in blue. I wear it indoors and out. I am writing in that outfit at this very moment (I should be trying to get a senior rate at a movie theater).
4. I recently approached a female officemate and said “Gee, your hair smells terrific.” She had never heard of the commercial or the product. The whole exchange nearly resulted in a sexual harrassment suit. Luckily we settled out of court after I agreed to let her call me avuncular for the rest of 2008.
5. I occasionally find myself feeling nostalgic for people I’ve jerked off to.