. . . Thursday January 24, 2008

15 Ways to Become Carbon Neutral (and Save the World)

Here are fifteen relatively easy (but maybe not so obvious) ways to become carbon neutral and help save your planet.

  1. Find someone who is down on their luck and pay them nearly nothing to wash your clothes in the river.
  2. It’s common knowledge that carjacking gets other drivers off the road and therefore keeps the net emissions level neutral. That’s old news. The new idea? Carpool carjacking. Get a group of several friends and jack someone’s car together.
  3. Guess how many trees were cut down in an effort to bring you the latest episode of Real World Hollywood? None. Love Earth. Stop with the reading.
  4. The latest trend is to convince consumers to buy products that are better for the environment (in terms of materials, distance traveled during delivery, etc). The truth is, there is only one way to be sure that your consumption is carbon neutral. Steal shit.
  5. If you turn down your thermostat by one degree, you can save up to 3% on your monthly heating bill. If you scare your neighbors into their panic room for 30 days, you can save just about 100% on their monthly bill.
  6. Use cloth diapers and tie the changing of those diapers to demonstrable achievements by your infant.
  7. Immediately after moving into your sprawling suburban mansion, pioneer a movement to stop the spread of such unsightly sprawl from that moment forward.
  8. Convince your cat to shit in a low-flow toilet. (Tip: Start with simpler bathroom activities)
  9. When it comes to gift-giving, instead of buying a manufactured, over-packaged gift that will eventually end up cluttering our landfill, consider dedicating a week of your carbon neutrality to a loved one.
  10. Both paper and plastic grocery bags tax the environment. Eat your groceries in the store (preferably in a less trafficked aisle).
  11. Shotgun whenever you smoke a joint. Exhaling pot smoke into the environment is a lot cleaner when you first blow your hit into someone else’s mouth and then let them exhale it. (This is often most fun if you can find an attractive stranger who looks like he/she might like pot). The beauty here? It’s better for the atmosphere and the final exhale of smoke technically goes onto the other person’s ledger.
  12. Instead of making a trip to the dump your first step when discarding unwanted wares, rent a hybrid vehicle and transport those items to a place where you can safely dump them onto a stranger’s lawn. What about them? Fuck them. You want to save the planet or do you want to be Mister Nice Guy?
  13. Pretend your car is out of gas and convince fellow motorists to push you to your destination (especially effective at drive-thrus).
  14. One can just as easily acquire critical and time sensitive information when performing recycled water boarding.
  15. Give someone who owns a Hummer a real hummer. No man needs both.

Concentration is important!