Apple, why do you hate me?

I am one of your most loyal users and evangelists. Some people couldn’t imagine marrying someone from another religion or political party. I couldn’t imagine marrying a Windows user.

I buy your stuff. All the time. Even when I don’t need it. I walk through your stores and rub my fleshy palms against the cool, white countertops and gaze up through the skylight waiting patiently for your next product announcement. I don’t even like music much and I still score every iPod. I download episodes of shows I’ve already seen just to support the wonders of your television deals.

On a dare I once dry-humped a Mac plus with the dual floppies. At least I pretended it was because of a dare, but you’ve always known the truth.

I love you, goddamnit, and I always have. We’re talking a Shakespearean love here (mixed in with a little Herschel Savage love).

You are the only one for me. Today, tomorrow, and always…

So how the fuck you gonna charge me eighty bucks for a friggin plug?

And I won’t even mention that all of the AC adaptors that come with your powerbooks and ibooks are terrible and break after about 12 months because I never criticize you in public.

Love me, bitch.