As the date draws nearer, I find myself at places like the Container Store pretty often.

Yesterday, I used a drill.*

*(I’m Jewish)

There was a time, not too long ago when one could have argued that a really top notch appearance on SNL could’ve saved Al Gore.

Who would’ve thought that by the time this week’s show hit the air, the opposite would be true.

Al Gore rescued SNL.

What comes first: Using our stretched guard services to help in the war on terror or to help lift low poll numbers and to play politics as usual?

Here’s your answer…

Well, I guess I won’t be able to give my five word acceptance speech for my Webby Award over at Rollyo as I was robbed in favor of some rinky dink site called Google.

I guess I will go with one of my alternate 5 word speeches:

1. Google will pay for this.
2. Shit. Shit. Shit. Darn. Shit.
3. I am still better hung.

Apple, why do you hate me?

I am one of your most loyal users and evangelists. Some people couldn’t imagine marrying someone from another religion or political party. I couldn’t imagine marrying a Windows user.

I buy your stuff. All the time. Even when I don’t need it. I walk through your stores and rub my fleshy palms against the cool, white countertops and gaze up through the skylight waiting patiently for your next product announcement. I don’t even like music much and I still score every iPod. I download episodes of shows I’ve already seen just to support the wonders of your television deals.

On a dare I once dry-humped a Mac plus with the dual floppies. At least I pretended it was because of a dare, but you’ve always known the truth.

I love you, goddamnit, and I always have. We’re talking a Shakespearean love here (mixed in with a little Herschel Savage love).

You are the only one for me. Today, tomorrow, and always…

So how the fuck you gonna charge me eighty bucks for a friggin plug?

And I won’t even mention that all of the AC adaptors that come with your powerbooks and ibooks are terrible and break after about 12 months because I never criticize you in public.

Love me, bitch.