. . . Wednesday February 1, 2006

The State of the Union, Jack

Here are a few outtakes (and associated thoughts) from W’s latest State of the Union Address which had the working title, Evil is Really Bad and I am Decidely Against it.

In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another and I will do my part.

Now we finally know that Dave Chappelle’s comedy writing team managed to find work after he skipped town. This is the best opener since “A funny thing happened on the way to…”

In a complex and challenging time, the road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting, yet it ends in danger and decline.

Damn, there goes my campaign slogan (not to mention my new blog tagline). Guess I will have to go with my second choice: Narcissism and a Boner.

Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal: We seek the end of tyranny in our world. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism. In reality, the future security of America depends on it.

End of tyranny in our world? So much for baby steps. But, OK, I’m game. Let’s shoot for a tyranny-free planet (if we fall short of that, can we at least agree to do something about the parking situtation).

And we do not forget the other half in places like Syria, Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea and Iran because the demands of justice, and the peace of this world, require their freedom as well.

North Korea and Iran seem like long term and incredibly complex problems and we’ll need to use some tact. But there is just no good reason not to completely fuck Burma up right now.

There is no peace in retreat. And there is no honor in retreat.

But there is a hell of use case for the word retreat when you’re trying to smear political opponents.

But our enemies and our friends can be certain: The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil.

I only wish I could say the same about my 4th grade girlfriend who did both after she caught me quietly fondling a tetherball.

Yet there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure.

Interesting, but that line just doesn’t work for me.

Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps of reform; now it can offer its people a better future by pressing forward with those efforts.

Indeed, Saudi women can now play driving games on Playstation as long as they are accompanied by a male relative. So lighten up lefties…

Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. Here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly $10 billion to develop cleaner, cheaper, more reliable alternative energy sources, and we are on the threshold of incredible advances.

$2 billion a year to break our addiction to oil? It costs me more than that to fill up my Hummer.

We will also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn but from wood chips, stalks or switch grass.

Hey, didn’t Jack Ambramoff hook up Rafael Palmeiro with some high grade switch grass during the 2004 baseball season?

America is a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness is not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are and how we treat one another.

Easy partner. Google had one weaker than expected quarter. Let’s not lose our minds.

Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage.

And let’s be honest, it takes a lot less time to read courage than it does to read a whole book.

Concentration is important!