. . . Wednesday December 14, 2005

Jews Surrender in the Holiday Tree Battle

Perhaps nothing about our current cultural debates is more absurd that the battle over the name we use for a Christmas/Holiday Tree (why not just call it the foliage sponsored by Target?). Is it an attempt at diversity? Political correctness run amuck? An attack on Christianity (Hah, an attack on Christianity accusation at this point in our country’s history. What’s next, the Pope complaining about high rents in Vatican City?).

Whatever is at the root of this Holiday Tree vs Christmas Tree debate, it must come to an end now.

So on behalf of the Jewish people and for the good of my nation, I hereby cede the issue. We fold. We give. We default. Oy Vey, we cry Uncle.

Keep the friggin tree.

From this day forth, let all associated December trees be called Christmas Trees. We get it. I don’t want my nephew’s bar mitzvah to be called a birthday party, or to watch someone blow out the menorah, or to hear Matzoh referred to as Holiday Cardboard (though it would be a more descriptive name). And I sure don’t want the burning bush to be called the flammable talking shrub (although that phrase does bring back some fuzzy memories from my college years).

No, it’s settled.

Holiday Trees are banned. Christmas Trees are back.

But we have a few conditions.

There are of course other words – Jewish words – that have been slowly absorbed into the secular or Christian dialect and we want them back.

Here is our list of vocabulary demands:

From this day forth, should you accept the terms of this deal, someone is who is really smart shall be known as a Jewnius.

The Hollywood Diet: Yom Kippur

Television: Jewivisionis (The last “is” being a hat tip to Regis who really should drop the Notre Dame schtick and come on home.)

Saying something funny: Jumor
(related – Jewsterical, Kidding: Yidding)

Wildly surpassing a woman’s lovemaking expectations:
Jewing it

Toolbox: Goybox

Rudolph: Judolph (Come on folks … the prominent nose, the horns, the drive to keep the business running on the most important commercial day of the year. This is the most stereotypical Jew since Topol played Tevye in Broadway’s Fiddler in the Roof …)

Christmas Spirit: Wal-Mart vs Target

Psychoanalysis: Couch Jewtatoes

New York: Jew York

Abstinence: No Chuppah no Schtuppah

Diversity: Jewversity (go to an African American show in Brooklyn, you’ll see African Americans and Jews, Cuban show, Cubans and Jews, etc.)

Debate: Kvetch

Jeurosis

Paying Retail: Premature Ejaculation

Hypocondria: Awake

Acid Reflux Syndrome: Oy

Chinese Food: Lunch

Venture Backed Start-up: Bar Mitzvah Boy

Guilt: Guilt (It’s like Xerox or Tivo at this point, no?)

New NCAA Football Divisions: Division 1, Division 2, Division 3, Pop Warner, Pee-Wee, Jews

Jews for Jesus (we’re throwing this one back):
Goys Gone Wild

Kabbalah (Shalom, you and Madonna can have it now):
Madonnabalah

Monlogue Driven Matriarchy: Family Dinner

Fox News: Schmucks

And we’re taking some of our old schoolers back:

Saint Paul: Saint Saul

New Testament: Alternative Ending

Jesus Christ: Irv Bernstein


Concentration is important!