. . . Thursday March 17, 2005

Steroid Craving

Does anyone else suddenly have an incredible craving for steroids?

Maybe it’s just me. Every time I see someone using a drug in a movie or discussing a drug in the news, I get a powerful urge to imbibe.

After watching Ray, I had the rare (and luckily un-acted upon) desire to first try heroin and then try rehab (has anyone else noticed that movie rehab looks like it’s a great escape and pretty decent workout?).

I hardly ever drink, but when I first saw the movie Leaving Las Vegas, I immediately went out and scored a twelve pack of hard liquor (my wife nixed the idea of me moving in with a smart, attractive, thoughtful and empathetic street-hooker).

After seeing Scarface, I couldn’t decide what to try first: Duel nostrilling a large pile of coke, shooting a machine gun, taking a hot tub in front of multiple television sets or hanging someone I didn’t like from an airborne helicopter. I settled for dropping my trousers and repeating the line: “Say hello to my little friend.”

I never watch an episode of Fat Actress without ordering in from a selection of my favorite local food joints. The show just plain makes me hungry. Come on. The message of that show couldn’t be more clear. Wealth, fame and gluttony can co-exist and thrive.

Even the news stories on psycho-pharmaceuticals get me jazzed up. Shortly after watching a televised debate about the use of anti-depressants among the very young I tried to snort a line Prozac off of my shrink’s tits.

So I guess this all helps to explain the feeling I had today as I watched a group of formerly buffed major leaguers parade in front of the members of Congress who have decided to position the use of steroids in baseball as a major national issue:

I’ve never even dabbled in it in the past, but today I am just really jonesing to give political grandstanding a try.

I know, I know. It’s way too dangerous, addictive and self-destructive. I’ll just shoot up instead.

Concentration is important!