. . . Wednesday November 3, 2004

The Alan Keyes Experience

During a week when almost everything went wrong for the Dems, you’d have to be sick, desperate or a self-hating sociopath to start complaining about something that went right.

That said, here I go.

All Dems are taking solace in the easy victory earned by the up and coming Barack Obama. Obama may very well have won the most lopsided senate race in Illinois history. He crushed.

And yet, the final vote tally in Illinois is terribly depressing.

What could I possibly be talking about?

I’m talking about the absurd number of votes that Alan Keyes got on Tuesday. Keyes, most famous for being able to turn an idiotic phrase so delightfully that it often takes a listener unfamiliar with him a full two or three words before they realize he’s off the charts nuts, ran a campaign that was even beneath his own heel-high reputation. I’ll give him that.

How many votes should a crazy man be able to get? Let’s review his traits and performace. No one could have voted for him on the basis of race. His famous speaking ability was dwarfed by his opponent. He is a complete scumbag who humiliated his own party (not to mention Mary Cheney, Obama, and anyone with a frontal lobe) thoughout the race. He is hateful and evil and came off worse. And he ran in what was supposed to be one of the few remaining sane states.

But let’s be fair. I imagine that we have to give him a few votes from those who pushed the wrong button, poked the wrong chad, or suffered a slip of the pen. Then there are the nuts. And of course, if this election taught us anything it was that we need to take into account those Illinois residents who just really connected with Keyes’ message and vision for the future. Oh, and I’m sure there were a handful of folks who just voted for Keyes because they thought it would be funny.

Taking all that into account, and rounding up, I would have predicted that Keyes would have brought home, say, twelve to fifteen votes. Twelve would’ve been fine. Fifteen would’ve been a bit upsetting.

This just in…

1,371,882 people cast their ballots for Alan Keyes.

Come on. Can you really look me in the blog and tell me that’s not just plain horrifying?

Concentration is important!