Every time one of the competitors thanks someone for asking such an important question:
Take a sip of beer.
When a questioner asks if either candidate was disappointed that Desperate Housewives didn’t live up to the hype:
Finish a glass of wine.
If a participant asks, “Mr. President, you’ve criticized the Senator for taking a long time to come up with his final position on major issues. Well, we’re all here because we’re still sort of undecided. So what do you think of us?”
Every time Kerry says the word Father:
Take the car out without permission (no seatbelt).
Anytime either guy mentions god or faith and it seems disingenuous (translation, every time):
Masturbate, ferociously. (You can also do this anytime either candidate says the words: Iraq, jobs, judgment, stand, plan or I.)
Whenever the President mentions the fact that he’d make the same decision on Iraq even though all of the reasons for going did not, in the end, exist:
Moisten a dish-rag with gasoline and inhale from it for the duration of the next question or two. You’ll find that W’s position actually makes sense.
If Kerry suggests that he’s always been consistent on Iraq:
Admit that you don’t really care about Kerry. You just want Bush out because you hate him with a passion that you’ve never known before. Oh yeah, and then do a couple lines of Ajax.
There will be several moments when the candidates are attacking each other and you’ll think to yourself: “It’s Friday night, I already know who I’m voting for, why am I sitting home watching this garbage?:
When that happens, just remember, it’s for precisely these moments that you loaded up your bong with a mix of Maui Waui and CSI body-outline chalk.
If one of these dudes has the courage to say what we all really believe needs to be said by the leader of the free world and thus admits that there is no friggin way Martha Stewart should be in jail tonight:
Quickly mix and chill an ambrosia-inspired, fish-shaped gelatin mold and then push it into your neck vein using a large icing dispenser.
If someone has the guts to pose the following to Kerry: “Senator, Adam Sandler’s flick The Waterboy is the highest grossing sports movie ever made … isn’t that really the reason everyone around the world hates us?”
Mix up and pound the following drink … Red Bull, Vodka, Lighter-fluid.
Whenever either guy mentions St. Louis:
That’s a case of Bud for you my friend.
When the President says he admires the Senator’s service Vietnam:
Call someone you’ve always hated and tell them that thirty years ago they did something that made them seem slightly less terrible than usual. Then admit that they probably can’t take your lauding too seriously because, as part of a debate game you’re playing, you just finished off the last of a two liter mix of NyQuil and Drano (luckily when you removed the cap, you realized you had also won a free song from iTunes).
If anyone compares W’s rise to power to Marisa Tomei’s winning of an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress:
You get to suck up that nitrous oxide from the bottom of the whipped cream can you’ve been saving in the back of the fridge for just such an occasion.
If Kerry implies that Al Gore would be president today had Monica Lewinsky been just a little bit hotter:
No booze, drugs or gas. Just admit he’s right.
As soon as you hear the first word out of a post-debate pundit’s mouth, that means one thing:
Time to turn to the baseball game.