(Or: How I Quit Drinking Forever)

Before we begin, I should make it clear that tonight was by far the best night of both conventions and by a long shot. Both Arnold and Laura gave good speeches (good enough to forget the twins’ performance which in pop culture parlance would make them the first comics not standing). Notice too how completely the Republicans filled the television moments. There was no time for pundit commentary.

But now’s that there is some time…

Arnold’s main goal was to attract the undecided independents. He spent much of his speech explaining what would make one a Republican.

“If you believe that government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government, then you are a Republican! If you believe a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group, then you are a Republican! If you believe your family knows how to spend your money better than the government does, then you are a Republican! If you believe our educational system should be held accountable for the progress of our children, then you are a Republican! If you believe this country, not the United Nations, is the best hope of democracy in the world, then you are a Republican! And, ladies and gentlemen, if you believe we must be fierce and relentless and terminate terrorism, then you are a Republican!”

Yeah. In fact you can believe that or anything else just so long as you’re good and scared.

You don’t necessarily have to share the views of most of the Party’s most powerful members. Arnold’s description would include everyone from Hillary Clinton to Noam Chomsky.

In his redefining of the word Republican, Arnold paid tribute to just about every recent Republican president. Well, everyone except the President’s father. Even Nixon got a few plugs.

Is it possible that the Oedipus complex is contagious?

Look, I’m all for a hard hitting speech, but the last line of the section above is unacceptable on every level. First, we expect Arnold to work in cheesy references to his movies. We don’t expect him to work in that crap when referring to the war on terrorism. Second, any suggestion that Democrats are not fierce and relentless in the war on terror is offensive; especially so considering the President’s opponent. You’ve got a movie hero questioning the courage of a real life one.

Next you’ll tell me that a duo made up of those who avoided Vietnam would sanction attacks on the character of their peer who served and fought.

Laura Bush did a solid job of describing the details of her relationship to W the person. She included the days when they first met, family dinners, the war on terror, their courtship in Midland, the fight against the evil doers, George behind the wheel of the Oldsmobile Cutlass, rooting out foreign dictators, Barney’s heartwarming antics, the friggin islamists and watching the twins play soccer.

This lady really is a throwback. But it sort of works. I am clearly rooting against her in this election, but I must admit that by the end of her speech I had completely quit drinking, snorting coke, gangsta rapping, being Jewish, shooting H, dropping E, smoking J’s, letting my cat squirm on my lap, performing voodoo without just cause, sniffing glue and gas, voting my conscience and having sick fantasies about me and the Bush twins beer bonging Cristal on PDiddy’s yacht.

We’ll see if it sticks. I’ve still got to get through Cheney’s speech and I’m only human.

From The Note:

There is a creeping fear among some Democrats that they are up against a party that knows and lives by the following:

Fifth Rule of Politics: “Say thing that get under your opponent’s skin, and which will sound so implausible to his ear that at first he won’t bother to defend himself.”

If this is true, then the Dems only have two reasonable options.

First Option: Start playing by these rules.

Second Option: Make new rules.

Not an Option: Playing by these rules but not playing that well.

This is so prefectly worded, I’ll just quote it directly:

“Whole-body CT scans, long controversial because of doubts about their effectiveness in finding hidden disease, can significantly increase the recipient’s risk of developing cancer, according to a study released Monday”

Folks, that is a pretty bad product review.

When modern art meets the janitor…

I can see how the partisan nature of a the last few months of a closely contested election puts John McCain in a difficult spot. But it is precisely during these moments when the voting public can most use a long ride on the Straight Talk Express (not the Pretty Straight Talk Most of the Time Express).

Last night, McCain spoke of one America and unity and duty. Would it have been so terrible if McCain told us what he really thinks about the swift boat ads and other pathetic political tactics being employed on behalf of his team? He had no problem blasting Michael Moore. But straight talk should mean being straight with people even when it will not necessarily get a big ovation from everyone in an arena.

Criticizing Michael Moore at a Republican convention is about as risky as passing on the pork chops at a bar mitzvah. Of course, there are few politicians (and few columnists and bloggers for that matter) who would dare to criticize the behavior of their own Party (or those who work on behalf of their Party) during a critical moment of an election cycle.

I just thought John McCain was one of the few.

Take a look at how John McCain really feels about the swfit boat ads: “If they question Kerry’s medals, they question everybody’s medals. All those men who found it so hard to come home, who found so little gratitude for their sacrifices when they got here, are going to feel mistreated again. The families of the people whose names are on the monument in Washington will feel wronged, too. The painful wounds we all worked so hard to close will all be reopened. We’ve got to get that garbage off the air as soon as we can.”