. . . Friday June 18, 2004

How Government Can Help Fight Spam

It has become painfully clear that the government cannot come up with a technical way to stop spammers. And the legal ways can’t do much if the technical ways can’t catch spammers in the act.

But that doesn’t mean government can’t help.

That’s why I am urging our nation’s leaders to take another angle and become useful in the war on spam.

I call it the: Your Penis Will Always be Small so Deal With It anti-spam effort.

Here’s why YPAWBSSDWI will work:

Spam would stop tomorrow if the tiny percentage of dumbshits who actually buy things from spam email would stop doing so. In the spirit of NBC’s The More You Know public service announcements, the government should (in addition to making Viagra available over the counter, in vending machines, part of school lunch programs, etc) take to the airwaves to educate the American public on a few simple facts.

Commercial messages would include these basic themes:

- There are no quick fixes

- Your dick has stopped growing and it will never grow again

- Your love life cannot be improved

- You’ll never lose the weight

- Not pleasing her? Try leaving her the fuck alone.

- Even if you try every product ever offered, in the end, your life will suck just as much as it sucks today.

Concentration is important!