After a lengthy search process, Dick Cheney chose himself to be George W Bush’s running mate. For months, I have resisted naming my choice for Kerry’s Vice Presidential pick. McCain doesn’t want to do it. Edwards seems a bit green. Gephardt a bit boring. So how does one decide? Well, after much internal wrangling, I’m finally ready to make my pick.
I nominate myself.
It may sound crazy, but before you judge, take a look below and see how my experience matches up with the guy who currently holds the job. At the very least, I can absolutely guarantee (unlike the others in the running) that I can deliver both my city, San Francisco (I’ll even throw in Berkeley) and my state of California.
Anyway, it’s only a nomination. You can judge our compared biographies and accomplishments for yourself. Cheney has a few years on me, so the real career parallels don’t begin to emerge until 1975.
Cheney: After a stint working as the right hand man to Donald Rumsfeld, Cheney becomes one of youngest people (34) ever to serve as White House Chief of Staff (under Gerald Ford).
Pell: My dad buys me a soccer ball as a reward for not wetting the bed the night before (I was 9). To thank him, I wet the bed every night for the next week.
Cheney: Gets kicked out of Yale (once) and arrested for drunk driving (twice) and manages to get five 5 deferments to avoid the Vietnam war. He later would explain that: “I had other priorities in the 60′s than military service.”
Pell: I am repeatedly harangued by my third grade teacher Mrs. Mitchell who makes me stay after school to practice my penmanship on the chalkboard. I call her Mrs. Bitchell.
Cheney: According to the White House website, During his tenure in the House, “Mr. Cheney earned a reputation as a man of knowledge, character, and accessibility.”
Pell: My mom sends me to see a shrink three days a week after school. It was during these therapy sessions that I first admitted my obsession with invading a foreign country regardless of facts or the cost to life and limb. “You mean Iraq?” my shrink asked me. “No,” I responded. “Canada.”
Cheney: Establishes himself as a leading Republican politician in the House of Representatives and backs the Reagan administration during the Iran-Contra affair.
Pell: Several days after my Bar Mitzvah, a friend at school tells me she likes my outfit. I then decide to wear the same outfit for the duration of high school. During this period, I also achieve substantial notoriety by attending (a few years after) the same high school as Byron Stewart who played Coolidge on the White Shadow. In college, as an experiment, my roommate and I move the couch within inches of our big screen television. We decide to leave it there through graduation.
Cheney: Served as Chairman of the Republican Policy Committee from 1981 to 1987.
Pell: Night Ranger shoots the video for Sister Christian at my high school.
Cheney: President George HW Bush appoints Cheney as Secretary of Defense. He leads a successful air and ground attack against Iraq.
Pell: Having predicted an easy Mondale win in the 1998 election, I am left to teach high school in Brooklyn where I am victim of an even more successful air and ground attack by my sixth period class (for education wonks, it was in my class during this period where the game Let’s Ricochet the Jewboy off the Chalkboard first emerged.)
Cheney: As CEO of oil services leader Halliburton, Cheney’s income for the year tops $36 million.
Pell: On behalf of my sisters and myself, I invest heavily in internet startups.
Cheney: Shortly after being elected as Vice President of the United States, Cheney suffers a mild heart attack and requires treatment. He is back at work within 48 hours.
Pell: I pull a muscle in my neck and stay home for 6 weeks.
Cheney: It is revealed that while Cheney was CEO of Halliburton, the company did business in and with Iran, Libya and Iraq, all considered state sponsors of terror.
Pell: At the height of the war on terror, I ate a falafel.
Cheney: Due to perceived risks and the threat of attacks on Washington, the Vice President is separated from the President and the public eye. For several weeks, we only know that he is in a secret, secure location from where he is carrying out many of his duties via teleconference.
Pell: I saw some white powder and hid in my basement for more than a month. It turned out to be baking soda. (Caveat; I think I might be allergic to baking soda.)
Cheney: Among Washington insiders, it becomes widely accepted that Cheney is the holder of most of the power (edging out Jesus) in the Bush administration.
Pell: My wife uncovers my nearly decade-long recycling coverup. I spend the next week sleeping on a pile of bottles and cans in the backyard.
Cheney: On several occasions, VP Cheney overstates the threat posed by Saddam’s regime in an effort to secure public support for his much-desired trip back to Iraq where he proclaims Saddam will be toast.
Pell: I hire Jayson Blair and Stephen Glass as my campaign speech writers.
Cheney: With the election less than a year away, the VP enters the fray and begins to attack John Kerry and praise Fox News, all with enormous political skill.
Pell: One of my officemates happens to notice that I sometimes masturbate while I’m reading Wonkette.
Cheney: The Veep goes on a duck hunting trip with Antonin Scalia (where the two secretly test out an early version of the star wars missile defense system known as the Sandwich Maker). This trip later turns scandalous as Cheney’s energy panel case makes it to Scalia’s Supreme Court.
Pell: Somehow one of my cats learns how to dial PETA’s number. Rumors (along with certain legal proceedings) start.
Cheney: President George W Bush describes Cheney as the best vice president that the country has ever had.
Pell: Former President (and Vice President) George HW Bush becomes the first Republican to back a Kerry/Pell ticket. He later invites me to have lunch while we watch his wife perform at New York’s Lucky Cheng’s.
Cheney: Prior to the official launch of the second Iraq war, Cheney explains that, “We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.”
Pell: On my Match.com profile, I write that aside from my silky hair and my ripped body, the celebrity I most resemble is Ron Jeremy.
If you don’t vote for me, at least think about Beyonce