. . . Tuesday February 24, 2004

Marriage Amendment, First Draft

President Bush has officially endorsed a Constitutional Amendment to define marriage. He has already warned Congressional Democrats not to attempt a filibuster (although he later admitted privately that he thought someone had threatened to fill a Buster). Electablog has obtained a working copy of the amendment, along with some additional notes, currently being passed around conservative circles. I can’t reveal exactly how I got my hands on these drafts other than to say that I know someone who knows someone who used to clip the hedges outside Roy Cohn’s pool house.

Here’s what we’ve been able to extract from the pile of paper so far:

In these United States, the legal definition of marriage shall be reserved for those legally binding unions between one man and one woman. No state shall set forth its own laws regarding the legal definition of marriage (except in such cases as both participants are female, extremely attractive, under the age of 30, willing to experiment with the addition of third and fourth parties – at least one of whom must be male – and understand that in such cases the Attorney General may see fit to waive all Fourth Amendment rights).

Unholy same-sex gatherings among two or more men shall be expressly prohibited except in cases where a militia is being formed or in the case of a closed session of Congress. All associated laws shall also be waived in the case of duck hunting.

When Congress is required to determine the legal gender of one or both of the participants seeking a marriage license (The his/her name is “Pat” Clause), gender determination will be legally binding solely with the approval of at least two-thirds of the members of the House of Representatives, half of the members of the Senate, and three-fifths of Barney Frank.

Of the two oppositely gendered participants, at least one must own either a pick-up truck, a tractor (backhoes excepted) or an El Camino – or fail to see the irony in the character Archie Bunker – and shall find no sign of innuendo, repressed memories or unresolved issues when confronted by the following Tom DeLay quote: “Americans have been tolerant of homosexuality for years, but now it’s being stuffed down their throats and they don’t like it.”

The Ashcroft Clause: Neither one nor both of the participants may admit to accidentally watching the wrong person during an adult movie screening, and/or having a strange tingling sensation whenever Ricky Martin sings “She Bangs” or when Rick Santorum and Gary Bauer sing Karaoke on Duet-Thursdays at D.C.’s Peyote Cafe.

In no cases shall the repealing of the Eighteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution be used as an excuse for same sex marriages, or for that matter experimentation during college.

This legislation will by extension include the tenets of the 1997 Defense of Sexual Inhibitions Act which was vetoed by President Clinton on seven separate occasions (four times in the Oval Office, twice in the Lincoln Bedroom and once behind some shrubs in the Rose Garden).

Possible criminal charges and sentences being considered: Obscene public displays of affection such as inappropriate physical contact (or the carrying of a placard supportive of Trent Lott) between opposite gendered participants can be a misdemeanor. The same behavior between two same-gendered people (assuming they aren’t as hot as the cast of the L-Word) will be a felony and carry a sentence of five to fifteen years. Mistaking stockings for tights and showing up wearing them with no shorts to your fitness center and then getting on the Stairmaster: Fifty to Life.

Related to the above: If a male participates in zhuzhing of any kind; he does time.

This amendment shall have authority over any and all state laws. Ignorance of the law can under no circumstances be used as an excuse. Neither can confusion regarding Barbara Bush.

As with any legislation, there will be changes before the docs are finalized and of course, there will be the requisite pork barreling – heretofore referred to as the other white (and exclusively white) meat barreling. For example, Halliburton has already locked up the contract to supply all the leather and ball-gags for the Republican Convention in NY.

Concentration is important!