Inspired by Mel Gibson’s outlandish recorded phone calls to his ex, I decided to call the internet with some complaints that have been building up. And I did it, Mel style.
For my more appropriate takes on the impact of the realtime, social web, see my other blog:
Charlie Sheen recently signed a deal that will keep him employed as the leading actor on the show Two and Half Men. He’ll make about $2 million per episode. Here are the deal’s winners and losers.
WINNERS
Sheen
John Cryer
Hookers
Coke Dealers
Liquor Stores
Defense Attorneys
Pimps
Divorce Lawyers
Ex-Wives
The Contractors Working on Jon Cryer’s House
Hookers Turned Extortionists
Crisis Management Firms Hired by CBS
Prenup Writers
People Who Insist America is on the Decline
Investors Who Shorted CBS and Time Warner
Judges on the Take
Guys who get drunk and insist they’re as funny as those idiots on TV
LOSERS
Viewers
People who, at a recent dinner party, argued that this is the golden age of television
Anyone who has appeared on, written for or been associated with any show that’s shared a medium with Two and Half Men
Lawyers who bet they could proofread an entire contract without cracking up
Parents whose six year-old says to them, “Wait, I don’t get why this is funny.”
People who loved Jon Cryer as Duckie in Pretty in Pink and inadvertantly wondered what he’s up to these days
Really funny comedians who never got their pilots picked up
People who already hated Mondays
——-
Reminder: Check out the new blog, Tweetage Wasteland.
Here are some of the latest highlights from Tweetage Wasteland, where I’m doing most of my blogging these days.
We All Have Photographic Memories – Do your kids remember experiences or photos of experiences?
I’m a Web Analytics Junkie – Think facebook is addictive, try this.
Is the End of Privacy the End of Shame? – Can shame survive when everyone gives up their privacy?
My Kids Refuse to Go Viral – Why can’t they be more like that kid David on the way home from the dentist?
My head is in the Cloud – the most popular post by far.
We all supposedly have a much shorter attention span in the age of the realtime web, but that didn’t stop Oscar from keeping with tradition and breaking the three and half hour mark. For those true addicts who couldn’t last the duration, I’ve reduced the key movies from last night’s Oscars to a moment or idea that’s about the length of your average Facebook status update.
The Blind Side
I came across a minority kid who was uneducated, down on his luck and weighed about 370. Then I had a really unique and crazy idea: What about football?
The Hurt Locker
I risked my life for this country more than 800 times. Then I come home and, what, no Fruity Pebbles?
A Serious Man
To learn what it’s really like to be Jewish, you can spend a few weeks analyzing the talmudic references in this movie, or you can just visit oldjewstellingjokes.com for about 5 minutes.
District 9
Wouldn’t it have been cool if we merged movies and the main guy from District 9 was the fourth friend who was missing for much of The Hangover? (An aside: Was I the only one who left the theater thinking, “Man, that little alien child behaves a lot better than my kids…”)
Inglourious Basterds
How much more popular would history class be if all history were written by a husky kung fu movie addict hopped up on cocaine and ho hos?
Precious
Moving, painful and gut wrenching. Bottom line, if you can get through this whole movie without looking away, you’re (probably) ready to watch the Barbara Walters interview with Monique.
Crazy Heart
During Bridges’ speech I wondered whether – after all this time since the Big Lebowski started filming – maybe one of the Coen brothers should finally yell “cut.”
……..
Reminder: I am doing almost all of my writing over at Tweetage Wasteland, Confessions of an Internet Superhero.
You ask someone:
“What state is Boise in?”
And they answer:
“Idaho.”
And you say:
“You are? Really?”
Get it?
I da hoe
